Totally Spites
by Sally.H11
Summary: The Varia decided to settle this once and for all: Who is the best girl from Totally Spies? Crack.


The day actually started as pleasant as it could at the Varia Headquarters. Most of the top Varia members were somewhere inside of the headquarters training, sleeping, and doing _God knew_ what else. Squalo and Levi had left the night before on two separate missions and they were supposed to be getting back some time in the evening. The place was unusually quiet without the presence of a certain someone who often spend their time screaming at the lower rank members, the upper rank members, the Boss, and pretty much everyone for various reasons. Most of the times the reasons were justified, but sometimes they just wouldn't make any fucking sense. Moreover, since everyone knew that the Boss was currently taking a nap and without doubt would kill anyone who disturbs him, no one dared make too much noise, at least _not_ without Squalo there to come between them and death by flames. However, a distinct laughter from Belphegor could still be heard from whichever the room he was occupying at the moment, though it was not very loud as to wake the Boss.

The mentioned Prince was currently lounging on a couch in the main living room, idly flipping through the channels of the television, hoping he could find at least one (1) program worth watching. He had been doing this for a few minutes and he was nearing the end of his patience. The last time he hadn't manage to find an acceptable program, he had laughed creepily before throwing a bunch of knives at the TV, causing it to blow up, and resulting in a power outage. Belphegor had been momentarily satisfied before Squalo found out and tried to kill him. The Boss had been stirred awake from his sleep because the air conditioning system stopped working and it was _hot_. Most of the west wing had been completely _obliterated_ due to the Boss's fury and when Squalo found out about _that, he_ had ended up shouting at the Boss which of course resulted to _more_ damage. That was why Belphegor was hoping that the TV would not disappoint him so the incident wouldn't happen again. It was entertaining but he _really_ didn't want Squalo to nag at him more than he already had.

He flipped through about seven more channels before stopping. He smiled creepily as a nostalgic music played through the speakers and the TV screen displayed the opening sequence of a classic TV show. Since the other channels _sucked ass_ Belphegor decided to watch this show because _fuck it_ , he was getting tired of pressing the remote control's buttons. Also because Belphegor had watched many episodes from this show when he was a lot younger (he took breaks from trying to kill his brother, from time to time) and he was feeling a bit nostalgic. He found himself moving his body with the music and singing along to the song.

A lower rank Varia member who was passing by the room decided to peek inside when he heard singing. Then as quickly as he came, he left. The eerie singing following his wake:

"— _Here we go, go, go_

 _Here we go, here we go,_

 _On a mission undercover and we're in control—"_

 _Fuck_ _ **that**_ _,_ he thought as he walked faster to get farther away from the room. When his other colleagues saw him, eyes wide and skin pale, he said nothing else but " _Keep out of the main living room._ " Seeing his state, the other decided that they weren't that curious anyway and managed to keep what was left of their sanity.

Back in the living room, Belphegor was having an _absolute_ grand time watching the episode of _Totally Spies_ which was the first of many episodes that would play in that same room for the entire day, at least for the entire time the TV still looked like a TV and not an unrecognizable burnt mess.

* * *

Belphegor was watching the fifth episode of _Totally Spies_ when Mammon came into the room to join him since they, like the Prince, currently had no mission to accomplish. Mammon almost considered leaving when they heard Belphegor telling the three girls on the screen he _'totally_ believed in them', supposedly as encouragement, but decided against it at the last minute. So, Mammon floated towards the couch Belphegor was lounging on and landed on the couch arm closer to Belphegor's head. Belphegor looked up to Mammon briefly but said nothing before turning his attention back to the screen. Mammon quietly watched the episode with Belphegor, wondering to themself why the _fuck_ was Belphegor watching this. When the commercial break started, Mammon absently asked Belphegor, "What is this and why are you watching it?" Mammon expected Belphegor to tell them the title of the show and then just move on with his life.

They didn't expect that Belphegor would turn his head towards them so quickly he might get a whiplash, and looked at them with a severe disappointment. Or at least that was the emotion Mammon guessed Belphegor was trying to convey, though it wasn't easy with Belphegor's hair covering _half_ of his fucking face. But, Mammon had most of their face covered, too, so they shouldn't judge.

"You don't know _Totally Spies_?" Belphegor asked, disgust coating his every word. Mammon didn't answer instantly. They looked at Belphegor quietly and tried to think of a reason _why_ Belphegor would be even _slightly_ offended by this. They came up with nothing so they thought _fuck it_ and replied, "No."

Belphegor silently stared at them. They couldn't see Belphegor's eyes but they could just _feel_ the pity radiating from the boy. _What now?_ Mammon sighed softly, anticipating the bullshit coming their way. Belphegor brought his right hand to his chest and shook his head slowly. He opened his mouth as if to say something then instantly shut them close, shaking his head again. Mammon wanted to fucking _leave._ But, for whatever dumb as shit reason, Mammon stayed.

"Mammon," Belphegor said with so much pity, "Oh, Mammon…" Mammon didn't react.

"How, pray tell, the fuck do you not know _Totally Spies?_ " Belphegor asked. "Poor Mammon," he added a moment later.

Not wanting to drag this stupid thing Mammon replied simply, "While you were busy watching this stupid _cartoon,"_ Mammon began. Belphegor gasped, scandalized, and Mammon noticed his left hand moved towards his knife. Mammon continued anyway, "I was making money."

"Had it not been for the laws of this land, I would have slaughtered you" Belphegor said, hand moving away from the knife. Since _when the fuck_ did Belphegor start caring about following the laws of a land or whatever? Mammon decided not to comment on that since fighting with Belphegor would just be a waste of their energy.

" _Totally Spies_ isn't just a cartoon; it's a life experience," Belphegor stated, with a flourish. "Because I pity you, I won't kill you. Instead, I'll let you join me and experience this yourself."

Mammon was going to say _'no, thank you'_ and leave but they were a bit curious about the _experience_ and it wasn't like they had any other matter to attend to, too. So, in the end, Mammon agreed to stay, much to Belphegor's glee, and waited patiently for the commercial break to end so that Belphegor would just _shut the fuck up_. As if the God above heard their plea and felt their pain, the commercial break ended and the episode continued. Belphegor stopped talking and had his full attention on the TV. _Thank_ _ **fuck**_ **,** Mammon thought.

* * *

Mammon initially planned to watch just _one_ episode, to humor Belphegor, and then leave. However, Mammon didn't expect the show to be _engaging_. Even though the plot of each of the episodes was pretty much the same and the villains were mostly _corny_ , Mammon couldn't get their eyes of the screen. Mammon glanced at the clock hanging on the wall and blinked. It was already noon. He didn't think he had been here for long. _Am I really enjoying this?_ Mammon asked themself. They thought about when Belphegor said that this was an experience and they agreed with him now, not that they were going to tell him. Belphegor was looking smug enough that Mammon hadn't shown any sign of leaving after watching one episode. Oh, how ignorant were Mammon when they insulted this show earlier.

Mammon almost cursed out loud when one of the girls ( _Alex,_ Mammon's mind supplied.) got caught up in one of the villain's trap, but they held it in. Mammon sighed in relief when the other two girls, Sam and Clover, finally arrived and freed Alex. They were almost trapped again but managed to evade everything. Mammon watched the girls fighting the villain together and nodded appreciatively. Once the episode ended and the preview to the next episode started, Mammon nudged Belphegor's head. The Prince looked annoyed that Mammon touched his head but didn't show any intent to attack the Arcobaleno.

"How many episodes are left now?" Mammon asked. Belphegor laughed his creepy laugh.

"You're enjoying this aren't you?" he said. Mammon didn't bother replying. "I checked the schedule earlier and it seems like this is going to go on for the entire day." _Oh._ Mammon told Belphegor that they were going to stay, not because they like the show but because they had nothing else to do. Belphegor didn't say anything, he just smirked knowingly.

Halfway through watching the next episode, the door slammed open and walked in the loud vice-captain, walking straight towards an empty couch. "VOIII, WHAT ARE YOU TRASH WATCHING?" He asked loudly. Mammon clicked their tongue.

Belphegor and Mammon looked at him as he made himself comfortable on the couch. Mammon didn't even notice Squalo's footsteps before he entered the room. They guessed they were _too_ focused on the show. _Fuck._

Squalo was quiet for a moment, eyes following the actions on the screen. He crossed his legs on the couch and grinned. "It's been a long time since I last watched this," Squalo said to no one in particular. Belphegor told him to be quiet and Squalo surprisingly didn't make a scene. Soon after that, Lussuria and Levi came and joined them. Lussuria gushed about how he used to watch the show and adored the girls a lot. Levi informed that he also used to watch it, too. Belphegor told him to shut up. Mammon wondered if they were the _only_ person who had never watched this damn show before.

The _Totally Spies_ Marathon was going well. Each member of the squad hadn't done anything to annoy the others greatly. When Lussuria talked to loudly during the action scenes, Squalo would just told him to quiet down and they would continue watching. Mammon thought it was kinda nice. They were so used to the squad acting like absolute _assholes_ most of the time, so this was a nice change. However, Mammon knew better than too expect this peace to last. They were proven right a few minutes later.

As they were watching the episode, Lussuria suddenly clapped loudly when the scene of Alex fighting solo against the villain was shown on the screen. "Oh, look at her go~" he gushed. "She's the best out of the three girls~!" In the blink of an eye, Squalo's sword was already pointed to Lussuria's neck. Belphegor was holding a bunch of knives in his hands while grinning widely, murderous intents evident in his pose. Squalo glared was sharp enough; Mammon didn't think he needed his sword. "VOIII, you take that back, you disgusting piece of shit!"

Lussuria pouted and Squalo pressed the point of his sword harder, drawing blood from Lussuria's neck. "You know I'm right, Squ~!" Lussuria said and Belphegor stepped forward.

"You want to fucking _die?_ You know well Sam is the best girl." Belphegor throw a knife at Lussuria's feet, a warning. Squalo looked at Belphegor, and nodded in agreement.

Mammon stepped in. "I would agree with you guys if you're all not _completely_ wrong. Clover is clearly the best girl. She knows what she wants and she knows how to get it." Belphegor threw a few knives at Mammon, but Mammon dodged them.

Squalo was staring at Mammon with hatred and Lussuria took that moment to escape from Squalo's clutched. Belphegor advanced towards Mammon, pointing a knife at their face. "As an _intellectual,_ Sam, another intellectual, is evidently the best girl. Do you not possess the required brain cells to compute that?" Belphegor tried stabbing them from the close distant, but of course didn't get to stab Mammon at all. Mammon conjured the illusion of some vines and they enveloped Belphegor's body from head to toe.

" _Die._ I'll let you go if you admit that Clover's the best," Mammon offered. Suddenly, Squalo's sword was on them and their control on the illusion weakened. Belphegor broke free easily.

"Fuck _you_ and your _wrong_ opinion!" Squalo exclaimed, stabbing at Mammon repeatedly. Mammon evaded each stab skillfully.

Levi, who had been silent the entire time spoke, "I think Mandy is—" but before he could finish Belphegor landed more than ten of his knives all over Lev's bodyi.

"YOU SHUT YOUR _WHORE_ MOUTH!" Squalo ordered. Levi fell on the floor with a thud. Belphegor laughed.

Lussuria approached Squalo from the back and started raining punches at him. The first hit landed on Squalo's shoulder and soon the rest followed. Squalo regained his composure and started counter attacking the other man. Lussuria tried to land as many punches as he could.

"Alex! Is! Strong! And! Is! The! Most! Adorable! Out! Of! The! Three! She's! Obviously! The! Best! Girl~!" he yelled, accentuating each word with a punch.

"YOU TALK BIG FOR A SOON TO BE DEAD MAN, HUH?!" Squalo screamed in Lussuria's face. His sword pierced Lussuria's side with a satisfying squelched and Squalo grinned victoriously. Lussuria's body dropped on the floor heavily, Squalo's sword still stuck on him.

Squalo's eyes found Mammon and he glared at them, as if saying _you're next._ Mammon didn't back away. They began conjuring several illusions to attack Squalo, and to defend themself from Belphegor who had started throwing his knives at Mammon as soon as Levi fell. Their fight kept going, not even stopping when Lussuria and Levi got up and joined the three of them, as if their wounds weren't there. The noise of the fight could be heard from all over the headquarters.

The other Varia members hesitated on whether to go check on them or stay out of it. They decided to stay out of it and mind their own business. After a while, they heard a _loud_ explosion and in a hurry everyone ran outside to see what the _hell_ was happening. The man, who saw Belphegor singing earlier, ran outside and looked up. He shivered. One part of the building surrounding the main living room was completely destroyed. There was a huge gaping hole in the side of the building and from what he could see, the things inside were totally charred. Suddenly, three bodies were thrown out from the hole. The man widened his eyes, recognizing the lifeless forms of three of the highest ranked Varia members. _What the hell?_ The man couldn't tear his eyes away from the three bodies.

He shrieked when Belphegor's arm moved.

Then, soon after that, he heard a scream from above only to see the Boss himself pointing one of his guns at the vice-captain's face, the Boss's right leg planted on Squalo's chest. _What the_ _ **fuck**_ _is going on?_

"SAY IT!" the Boss screamed at Squalo. The observing members looked worriedly at the two wondering what Squalo did to make the Boss _this_ mad. They could see that the Boss's face was cloaked by his scar. "SAY IT, YOU FUCKING TRASH!"

Squalo, admirably, didn't look the least scared. His hard were hard; he was glaring back at the Boss. He smiled, blood dripping from his mouth. "Heh." He spit at the Boss's leg.

" _ **Fuck you,**_ " Squalo said. He didn't shout it but somehow, it rang clearly in everyone's ears. If it was even possible, the Boss looked even more pissed off. He stomped on Squalo's face hard and then put his foot back on Squalo's chest.

"FUCKING SAY ALEX IS THE BEST GIRL!" he screamed so loudly some of the men watching covered their ears. Those who were still able to think blinked confusedly and said to themselves:

" _Who the_ _ **fuck**_ _is Alex?"_

"I'D RATHER DIE, YOU SHITTY BOSS," Squalo roared. The men watched in horror as the Boss grinned like a maniac and then burst into a full on laugh. Squalo never stopped glaring at him. The Boss stopped and levelled his guns at Squalo's face.

"Then, _perish._ " He fired.

* * *

Squalo and the others were badly injured but were surprisingly still alive, like a bunch of fucking superhuman cockroaches. The only one who was in a great condition was Mammon because they disappeared as soon as they sensed the Boss anger. Mammon only got a few scratches on their body from Belphegor's knives and Squalo's sword, other than that, they were completely fine.

It took a few months to completely fix the Varia headquarter. Xanxus threatened to murder anyone who dared to clean up the sentence 'ALEX IS BEST GIRL' written in his stupid Guardians' blood off of the wall outside of his room.

When the Ninth heard about the _Great Totally Spies Discourse,_ he almost marched straight to the Varia headquarter and fucking _iced_ Xanxus again because what the _fuck?_ Were he and his Guardians a bunch of fucking _morons?_ In the end the Ninth banned the entire organization from watching _Totally Spies_ (and every other show, for a good measure) and forbade everyone from talking about this incident.

Though he agreed with his son that Alex was indeed the Best Girl, he would never tell him this because of the headache and losses his son had caused him.

The Ninth just wanted to _retire._

* * *

 **Author's Note:** this was a lot funnier in my head lmao


End file.
